I`m a confused introvert. At the very least, I`m a conflicted one.
Living in a small town can be a blessing to an introvert. Small crowds and wide open fields means there are usually a multitude of ways in which you can find some time, on your own, and recharge. Even as I write this my company is the sound of crickets in the field next to the house which, without exaggeration, stretches as far as the eye can see.
The problem comes when the introvert in me says it`s time to be social. In a small town, you run the risk of over-exposure. We used to joke that you could sneeze in your room with the doors closed and curtains drawn, but it would still be news across town in under an hour.
Small town humour. It`s great, at least, until the lady across town asks how your allergies are going.
Sometimes I cringe against the interconnectedness that abounds here, other times I recognize it for the blessing it is and do my level best to interact with the community in which I live.
However, I also live in a college town. That means that at this time of year, it can be hard to find anyone with some spare time to talk. What`s a girl to do?
I suppose I could be patient . . . However, as someone who struggles with depressive thoughts and addictive behaviour, probably not the best option.
I could talk to my husband more, but, he’s not intended to be my entire social world. Not fair to him or me.
I could go online. This is actually the route I took. After all, I have lots of friends from life outside of school online.
Or at least, I thought I did.
It’s hard when an old friend doesn’t want to talk. . . it’s harder when none of them do.
Doubts begin to creep into your head. Did they ever care? Or were you merely a project or worse a duty. Interaction based on religious obligation is my worst fear, and tonight, that fear rattles around my head.
Were the relationships that governed my high school years, my summers, my life in Ontario all merely an illusion? Some joke played on the one person who wouldn’t get it . . . me?
I know my thoughts are dark and I know some relationship must have been real but tonight I feel dejected. Perhaps I’d be better off going on a walk.